currently: ten things
Saturday, December 28, 2013 at 5:00AM 
1. Writing it down. I have had to crack down on myself lately when it comes to journaling in and on my artwork. I have always liked to write. It has been easy for me to write IF I thought no one was reading. To ask me to write in my journal was like asking me to sing on stage. It wasn't happening. SOMEONE might see it. Read it. My writing was for me only. How could it help someone else? For as long as I can remember I have written down what I was feeling. As a teen it was the usual- he said she said stuff. The stuff you write down to make yourself feel better, prettier, more loved. Writing things down kept you from saying them outloud and regretting them later. It was, is a perfect way to get things off your chest. It wasn't until my son died that I turned to writing as grieving process. I was young. 25 years old. He was my first born child, my only son. I was so upside down in my feelings that writing was the only way I could communicate with myself, and God. I would write pages and pages at a time, the words coming faster than my pen could keep up, the tears flowing thicker and faster than the ink itself. My world was over and I had to write it down. You never heal from that kind of tragedy. It is the kind of wound that if treated with time and love and tenderness FEELS better, but it never heals. It breaks open time and time again, raw and new all over again. Getting through those first few years was a whole separate tragedy in itself. I lost more than my son that day. I lost a huge chunk of my heart, my marriage, my faith. And so I wrote. It took many years to get to the point that I could rebuild my life, regain my faith- one tiny piece at a time, but writing helped me to get there. I write in my journal now. A little bit. I write on my artwork. A little bit. If words could help me heal, A LITTLE BIT, then maybe they could help someone else.
2. Relishing the chaos. Christmas at my house has always been a big mess if not a big deal. With five children how could it be anything else. I like order. I crave order. I need order. It is part of who I am. Sitting me in a room filled to overflowing with kids, gifts and unending wads of torn paper was like sitting me in the middle of a dust storm with no mask. I panicked. I wanted to pick up every scrap of paper as it flew from their hands. I wanted a system. But it was Christmas. There can be no system that does not disrupt the pure joy that a child feels on that morning. And so I sat on my hands and let the paper fly. All these years later, our children are now no longer "little." 12, 15, 20, 22, and 24 they still sit around our tree, giddy with excitement over what is about to transpire. They are old enough to know my torment now and tease me lovingly with their messes, opening their gifts with the greatest of care only to crumble it at the last minute and toss it my way, letting it land just outside the provided bin. I no longer have to sit on my hands. I can take their heat. They love me and my quirks, just as I love theirs. I know my time with them encircling me is bided and so I relish the chaos and the mess and look forward to all they leave behind.
3. Dressing up my planner. It sounds weirder than it is. I am lucky enough to be part of a fun group of artists who will bring in the new year with something awesome- The Documented Life Project. (Click on the link to read all about it) It involves using your daily planner or agenda as a springboard for creatively documenting your everyday life. This week I played around with my sewing machine and some vintage quilt blocks and came up with a "dress" for my planner. A removeable fabric cover really. It is so cute. I may not use it every day, but I have the option to take it on and off. Cool. The bonus? It also fits my small Dylusions art journal- yahoo!
4. Playing with my kids. It doesn't matter that most of them are taller than me- time together in any form of play is needed for a family to thrive and be healthy. We are a big game family. Let me clarify. Board games, card games, not video games. We do not own a video gaming system. ONE of the things we have stood our ground on. I think maybe because of this one thing we have come back to the table time and time again to "play." There is the usual family banter and bickering. EVERYONE can't be the winner of course, but we love it and we stay true to this tradititon. Every year we get a new family game. This year it was Dominos. We spent the entire Christmas evening playing it and in the process learned three new jokes, listened to the same CD twelve times and laughed harder than we have laughed in weeks. I guess the old saying IS true. The family that plays together, stays together.
5. Giddy over a great find. You know that feeling when you find a great deal? The kind of deal that makes you want to buy the whole truckload? Well I stumbled on that deal this week- and while my husband was relieved that I restrained myself and did not need the truck after all, I did score big time. I have been going through a ton of washi tape these days with that project I talked about. I walked into my local Dollar Tree this week and found this awesome display of yummy washi tape. I was impressed with the quality and color and pattern choices, so I loaded up. If you would like to see it for yourself, they sell it online too, HERE, but you have to buy a case. Maybe that wouldn't be so awful after all!
6. Working on a new pattern. If you have read any of my posts before, you know that counting calms me. The repitition has a way of helping my mind let go of some of the worrisome stuff for a little while. I have been wanting to make a scarf that felt less rigid, more like it was knitted. I like it so far. It is a much more "open" stitch and so it feels lighter, softer already. I think I will make it an infinity scarf. Maybe that much counting will calm my heart for good.
7. STILL catching up on December Daily. I want to be caught up, but I have learned something about getting behind. Once that hole is dug, it has an uncanny way of getting bigger, wider, deeper, every day, IF WE LET IT. But we don't have to let it. I know that December Daily is just a little thing, something I could never finish and my life would still go on, but there are bigger things. I have shared a little in previous TEN THINGS posts, about how life can catch you off guard. REAL LIFE has been in my face just about constantly the past two years and with it there have been holes dug. Some are small, some are big. Some we can climb out of , some we want to hide in forever, but there are holes. But holes don't have to be so deep we can't see the light above. I know, for myself, that the hole I have been in all year felt like it was closing in on me. From the bottom I saw nothing but a pinpoint of light. It was scary. But then I remembered that every garden starts with holes. An arena for life, for growth and thriving has holes. My hole in life did not have to be so deep I could not get out. I just have to tend to it. My garden, my life, was never perfect. But it was something I had put ALOT of time and effort into. Now I find myself in a place where I have to leave it behind, climb out, and start over. That sounds scary. It is scary, BUT where I am headed, my holes will be little holes, new holes. I am starting over.
8. Learning to like night photography. It is a tricky thing. I am not a pro and I do NOT know the rules, but I am experimenting and learning along the way. So many cool things happen at night, in the dark. I hope that I can one day take advantage of more night shots that actually TURN OUT.
9. Taking the time I can get when I can get it. I don't get to see my few real friends that often. Jobs, location, schedule, LIFE sees to that. I have learned that I need to focus more on taking what I can get and less on planning the perfect outing. Life is short. The people we love and the time we spend with them is a treasure and our time is always measured. I KNOW we don't always get notice on when our time with them is up. I KNOW that life can come out of the blue and suddenly someone you love it gone. I think that if we could get past the worry of planning the perfect outing, making good use of our time, and making sure we meet "for a reason" we would find that every moment counts. I will meet in the middle for an hour anyday- just to have the time.
10. Spending a few minutes on art as always. I think that out of all the lessons I have learned this past year, one factor has made itself known over and over again. Time. I can't get back what I have lost. I can't count on tomorrow and I have to use what I can get. 15 minutes in the studio might as well be 15 hours for how it makes me feel. I love art. I love to create. Why wouldn't a few minutes be enough when I might have none at all?
Reader Comments (6)
Your "10 Things" have been an inspiration for me. I wrote a "5 Things" blog post just now and included photos taken recently. Life is challenging right now and reading wonderful blogs early in the morning here in my small home with my 2 pups still sleeping on the couch is almost as good as having a real person to share with. Thank you.
Your words encourage me to continue this Marrianna. It is hard to "share" sometimes, but I try to remember that others are in the same boat...and knowing we are not alone is what makes it all ok in the end. Hugs sweetie! xx Rae
So raw and so beautiful Rae. You have friends who are lifting you up to the highest heavens. Thank you for sharing, thank you for helping others heal with your words. I love you, dear true friend!
Thanks for posting I enjoy reading your 10 things and they do help! It's nice to know that things aren't always perfect even as hard as we try and sorry for your sad times too dear, but yes we do heal and we slowly move forward and I believe if we keep our heads up and keep putting one foot in front of the other, even though very slow some days, we can get there one step at a time! I'm Thankful always for the good times and try to not dwell on the bad! Thankful there are not so many, but sad that some are bigger than others! so keep posting and keep your chin up and your head held high and always move forward no matter how hard!! sending you big hugs and happy you always make me smile!! :)) Love ya!
Thank you Lorraine! I love you pal. xo
I am so glad that you can relate Linda. It makes sharing the "good bad and ugly" a little less scary! xo